family

The most common daydream that I have is having a family that lives close together and wants to be around each other more than just holidays. I desire that for my own family, and am realizing that God has given me the desire to take action. It's only my laziness that hinders me from sparking change. Relationships are work. I pout to myself wondering why it's not as easy as so many other people's families. Divorce is so hard on relationships. It's unnatural. I wasn't supposed to have to go to 2 different Christmases and Thanksgivings growing up. I wasn't supposed to have two bedrooms in two houses that are 1000 miles apart.

There are times that I feel a little unbalanced. It's not detrimental to my life that I didn't have both parents on a regular basis, but I feel like I missed out on the influences of one that would have been beneficial and even needed in my life. I find at times I even feel less of who I'm supposed to be because of it.

I don't remember anything of my parents together. I was two when they separated, my brother five. I remember times when my mom and dad would be frustrated with each other, but I can't remember a time when they ever compromised the other's character in my presence. I am so thankful for that. I think it's actually quite rare. I do remember when I would get upset, telling the parent I was upset with that I wanted to move in with the other parent. I thought that would get my way, but it usually just hurt them.

I'm terrified that if I have a family of my own, I won't really know how to do it. I know that I don't need to be afraid of not being a good wife or parent. I know that much of having a family of my own will be trial and error. That it's first loving Christ, then loving those that I'm given.

God births us into families and into bodies for which we have no control. We are born into this skin and this life and this sin. I'm not afraid of the situations that may occur because I truly believe that God is sovereign and He's faithful and purposeful.

What I'm most afraid of is me. My reaction to things. Will something be too much that I will decide to leave? Will I be faithful? I'm capable of so much wrong and so much evil. I suppose that these are good things for me to consider because I remember who I really am in relation to God the Father, the Almighty. How much I need Him. How much I desire to be close to Him and be able to love like Him. How gracious and merciful He is. And so despite all these fears, I know that the Father will refine me through situations and people in my life in order to keep me close.

What better place to know the workings of a family than being committed to a church?