an entry without a name

My thoughts are clouded, unsure, angry. No matter how hard I try to understand the things going on around me, I feel like I’m in a constant state of confusion. Sometimes I think I care so much about everything, that I don't really care that genuinely about anything. I threw a box of trophies away a couple months ago. I was talking to my mom about it when she was in town for Thanksgiving, telling her that I remember being good at everything I tried. That now, I feel mediocre about most of the things that I venture to accomplish. I know that trophies don't mark all great accomplishments (and they certainly don't mark the most important), but I suppose that it reminded me of where I am right now. I don't know what I care about. I don't know what to pursue or spend my time on. This whole year I have felt like God has been very silent.

Despite this feeling of being without much direction, I feel normal. I realize this is confusing, but so am I. I have relationships with three amazing friends. These women help me to feel normal. Two of them recently returned from a journey into the west. I missed them more than I thought I really would. When they returned it felt more like home here in Dallas.

So often all that people know of me are jokes, movie lines and constant laughter. Unfortunately, that is a hollow part of who I am. But it’s easy for me to be funny because people like funny, and so usually they like me. I like being liked.

These friends know that I am much more than those hollow parts. The miracle is that they still like me. They teach me to be honest, forthright and courageous. These are all things that I need to learn how to be, especially with God. I have experienced so much grace in my relationship with them. Anne Lamott writes, “It is unearned love – the love that goes before, that greets us on the way. It’s the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left, when you are empty and desperate and have discovered that your best thinking and most charmed charm have failed you. Grace is the light and electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there.”