last night

I had a very strange dream last night. I was in World War II and tracking down the Nazis. I had made a make-shift weapon out of chains and weights. For some reason I had opted not to use the guns that were available. I would swing the chain with the weight at the end with much force and release it on Nazi soldiers that would walk by. At some point the scenery changed and I was running for my life on top of a train. (Maybe I should have refrained from all the Indiana Jones movies) I launched another chain and saw it "Matrix style" hit the soldier in the face and watched him fall off the train. Then I some how got off the train safely and I was watching as two other comrades rode away on an army Jeep as they got shot at by the Nazis. Then I woke up...at 3:30 wide eyed and full of energy.

So I did lunges in my living room and reps with my 5 pound weights, and sit-ups and crunches.

I finally fell back asleep and remember being really afraid and trying so hard to open my eyes, but they wouldn't open. Finally, with much effort, I did open my eyes and looked around the room and at my phone seeing that it was now 4:15. I laid in bed trying to sleep as my eyes twitched trying to fight the sleeplessness.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind. So many things that I wanted to solve and so many people that I wanted to talk to. So many things I wanted answers to. Part of me wanted to stay awake until everything was solved and answered. And the other part of me wanted to sleep until all was taken care of for me.

I laid there for a good 30 minutes before I remembered that God answers prayers. So I prayed for sleep and rest in my soul. I prayed for me to feel Him. To stop being afraid of losing myself. I prayed for me to find a place to serve. I prayed to love others well because it's hard. I prayed to give in and be humbled. I prayed to get knocked down as many times as needed in order to be changed by Him, so that I will look more like Him. And I thanked Him for the way He loves me and knows me. It's funny how all this brought up what was going on in my heart and in my head. I have fought this spiritual apathy this entire year. I feel like God has been pounding me on the back, much like a parent must do to a child with cystic fibrosis. The mucous fills the child's lungs and it has to be beaten out of them, or else the mucous can drown the child or harden. I kind of feel like that child. And it's a good place to be.

biblical a-d-d

This is a card I made for my Bible study, Biblical A-D-D. Simple.

#11

#11 is a story that was told by my Auntie Pauline, who has since passed away. She said that she received a letter from my Grandma Brown (who was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was about 5) right before she died telling a story about me. I remember grandma all right. I remember that she was beautiful and bright, and she had strawberry blonde hair that she curled. Though I was 6 when she died, the thing I remember the most about her was love. Everything that she said and did translated to love to me. She was warm and inviting. Shortly before she died, my mom, brother and I went out to the farm where Grandma Bea (short for Beatrice) and Grandpa Brown lived. We spent a number of days there and as my mom and brother packed the car, I snuck away to see my Grandma one last time. I crawled into her bed where she really couldn't move from. I snuggled up close to her and held her. "I love you," I told her.

mystery solved

Every so often I get this waft of a sweet smelling dream. There is a hint of fresh air. There is nature, a cool breeze. It's almost like something good enough to eat. And I keep sniffing and wondering if it's my shampoo or someone else's lingering perfume.

I lifted my arms to reach for something.

It's my new deodorant.

awkward moments with my boss

1. Today. I was in one of the other principal's offices playing with this voice projection toy. I had switched it to "robot voice." I had my back to the door, and right at my boss walked in I talked loudly into the projection toy, "I'm a kitty cat, REEOOW!"

2. A few weeks after I was hired. I was doing a lot of twirling at this time, especially in the elevators. I was checking the mail and rode down the elevator twirling my heart out. I stopped right when it got to the 1st floor. As the doors opened I stumbled out (I was very dizzy) only to find my boss waiting to get on. I swore that I had not been drinking.

3. The week I kept up with Clarence the spider. There was this spider that I noticed on the outside of a very large hallway window. On my way to the bathroom I would take a moment to look at his web and his markings. This one day I was standing on the window sill part looking up at the spider and I had my hand raised to block some of the light from the sun. My boss walked out of the restroom only to hear me say, "Well hello there Clarence. Looks like you have a good lunch today."

the rest of the stories

5. In seventh grade I had my first crush on a teacher. My history teacher was from Colorado and was 26. I usually bought little gifts for my teachers and I insisted that I buy him a teddy bear and some candy for Valentine's Day. So lame. (age 12)

6. This one time at my dad's house in St. Louis I saw a bunny hop across the front yard. I was determined to catch it so I ran outside. I instead found a group of baby bunnies near a tree and got even more excited. I managed to grab one of them and I was holding it so tightly I almost killed it. My dad came outside and told me to put the bunny down because I was squeezing it too much. It was so soft and fluffy that I just wanted to hold on to it. I have yet to catch another bunny. Though I did get close when I was at The Dallas Arboretum a few weeks ago. I found a rabbit that was hopping around by the wild flowers on the southside. I nearly stroked his back. I named him Oliver at the time.(age 6)

7. I remember going on my first Valentine's date in high school. This friend of mine had asked me out to dinner and my mom insisted that she escort us. He attended a private boys school in town and they were not allowed to drive. I was just 16. I remember being so mortified. We never hung out after that. (age 16)

8. This one winter my brother and I were walking our collie Chivas. It had been snowing and all the light poles were iced over. My brother some how tricked me into licking the light pole and my tongue got stuck. I tried to pull it away and it wouldn't come off. He ended up having to tear it off to get me away from the pole. (age 10)

9. I had this nylon nightgown that I would put over my pillow at night to sleep. It was an actual nightgown and parts of it were torn and so I would run around with it around my neck like a cape. We had stairs that opened into the living room. Sometimes I would jump over them and then fly over the couch. It always made my mom laugh. Especially this one time when the nightgown got caught on the staircase handle and I choked a little as I hit the floor. (age....surprisingly old)

10. I did a lot of acting when I was younger. By acting I mean "Duet Acting" and "Group Improvisation." This one year I was Alladin and got "Best Actress" in a regional acting competition. All of the groups who had placed were on the stage when they announced the best actor/actress. They mispronounced my name so I was up there looking around at who they were talking about. There was silence. Very awkward silence. I finally made eye contact with my mom who was sitting up front and she was pointing at me. I pointed to myself and said loud for everyone to hear with a confused expression, "ME?" My mom knodded her head with a silent chuckle. Everyone laughed and I went to the podium to get my trophy. (age 11)

God is my strength and portion forever

Something I need to meditate on this weekend.

A Psalm of Asaph.

1Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. 2But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. 3For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. 5They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind. 6Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment. 7Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies. 8They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression. 9They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth. 10Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them.[a] 11And they say, "How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?" 12Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches. 13All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence. 14For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning. 15If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed the generation of your children.

16But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, 17until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end.

18Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. 19How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors! 20Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms. 21When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, 22I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.

23Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. 24You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. 25Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. 26My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength[b] of my heart and my portion forever.

27For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. 28But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.

finding yourself

What does it mean to find yourself? And is it really possible?

family

The most common daydream that I have is having a family that lives close together and wants to be around each other more than just holidays. I desire that for my own family, and am realizing that God has given me the desire to take action. It's only my laziness that hinders me from sparking change. Relationships are work. I pout to myself wondering why it's not as easy as so many other people's families. Divorce is so hard on relationships. It's unnatural. I wasn't supposed to have to go to 2 different Christmases and Thanksgivings growing up. I wasn't supposed to have two bedrooms in two houses that are 1000 miles apart.

There are times that I feel a little unbalanced. It's not detrimental to my life that I didn't have both parents on a regular basis, but I feel like I missed out on the influences of one that would have been beneficial and even needed in my life. I find at times I even feel less of who I'm supposed to be because of it.

I don't remember anything of my parents together. I was two when they separated, my brother five. I remember times when my mom and dad would be frustrated with each other, but I can't remember a time when they ever compromised the other's character in my presence. I am so thankful for that. I think it's actually quite rare. I do remember when I would get upset, telling the parent I was upset with that I wanted to move in with the other parent. I thought that would get my way, but it usually just hurt them.

I'm terrified that if I have a family of my own, I won't really know how to do it. I know that I don't need to be afraid of not being a good wife or parent. I know that much of having a family of my own will be trial and error. That it's first loving Christ, then loving those that I'm given.

God births us into families and into bodies for which we have no control. We are born into this skin and this life and this sin. I'm not afraid of the situations that may occur because I truly believe that God is sovereign and He's faithful and purposeful.

What I'm most afraid of is me. My reaction to things. Will something be too much that I will decide to leave? Will I be faithful? I'm capable of so much wrong and so much evil. I suppose that these are good things for me to consider because I remember who I really am in relation to God the Father, the Almighty. How much I need Him. How much I desire to be close to Him and be able to love like Him. How gracious and merciful He is. And so despite all these fears, I know that the Father will refine me through situations and people in my life in order to keep me close.

What better place to know the workings of a family than being committed to a church?

the first 4 stories

1. Flight. We were at my grandma and grandpa's farm this one summer. I was on the swing outside and my grandpa was pushing me. I've always wanted to fly so I kept shouting, "Push faster and higher Grandpa!" I was giggling and turned my head a little and loosened my grip to see if he would do it. At that moment my grandpa gave me a huge push and I flew off the swing. I fell face first into a pile of white stones. My nose bled a little and some blood got on my grandpa's white shirt. He felt so bad...my mom took a picture(I'll try to post that). I assured my grandpa that I got to fly for a few seconds, so everything was fine. (age 3).

2. Mistaken Identity. One beautiful afternoon my mom had gone outside to water the plants in the front yard. My brother and I had been mixing all our play-do to make a color that resembled poop. We enjoyed working together to cause mischief. We had finally gotten the right color, so we made little "poops" around the house. (We had just gotten a cat a few months before). We placed the first one in the front of this chest so mom would see it right when she walked in...and she did. My brother and I thought we were so good, but my mom knew exactly what it was. I guess she had seen a lot of real poop to know the difference. She chuckled and asked us to clean it up. She found all the piles that day that we had left and we had to clean it all up. (age 5)

3. The Day that I Got Lost...Not Really. Everyday after school, I boarded a van that took me to day-care until my mom got off of work. My brother was allowed to walk home because he was old enough and could stay at home alone. So that afternoon, I waited on the shaded concrete bench as usual and boarded the blue van as usual. I arrived at the day care and immediately started to play with the other children. I remember getting in trouble that day. There was a black woman that worked there and she would tell all of us children that she would sit on us if we misbehaved (it's important to note that she was a huge black woman). I remember getting that threat that afternoon. Pretty soon it was 5:00 pm and my mom had still not come to get me. Then it was 6:00 pm. At this point, they were calling the school that my mom worked at trying to get a hold of her. No answer. Home. No answer. Mrs. Wylie (black lady that threatened she would sit on us) was very worried. I just wanted more snacks and dinner. So Mrs. Wylie packs me in the blue van and she says that we're going to go to my house and see if anything is wrong. We pull up to my street and there are cop cars everywhere and my mom is in the yard crying. We pull up and I get out of the van. I've never had such a welcoming. Apparently my mom had told me to wait on the concrete bench for her that day, not the blue van. (age 6)

4. The Need of a Medical Professional. This story is best told in person, but alas, it must be told through type. I'm very ticklish and my family has tickled me my whole life. My mom and I still get in tickle fights, as well as my brother. My brother was tickling me this one afternoon and I was laughing away. I was walking backward and eventually got really close to this corner that came out of the wall. I threw my head back and suddenly blood was everywhere...even on my favorite dress that I was wearing. I reached my hand back and saw all the blood on my hand and freaked out. My brother ran to get my mom as I screamed. In a matter of minutes my mom had picked up my favorite doll and a change of clothes and a few compresses for my head. She walked into the kitchen only to find me running in a circle singing "I need a Daaaaaaaawwwctor... I need a Daaaaaaaawwwctor." (age 7)

buttons

I found these in my apartment.